It’s probably safe to say that those who raised the likes of Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, and Malala Yousafzai were pretty badass and way ahead of their time.
I say this because we now know that epigenetics tells us that a brave parents and caregivers almost certainly equals a brave kid.
However, it’s not relatively as straightforward when raising girls versus boys. In the case of brave parent equals brave daughter, conscious effort to not treat our girls as more delicate and indoorsy than boys is paramount in shifting suppressive gender stereotypes around courage and ability.
Daughters Are Cautioned Way More Than Sons
In her TEDTalk, “To Raise Brave Girls, Encourage Adventure,” writer and adventurer, Caroline Paul, refers to a study from The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology.
In the study involving a playground fire pole, researchers saw that girls were much more likely than boys to be cautioned about the dangers by both moms and dads. Also, if she still decided she wanted to play on the fire pole, a parent was very likely to assist her.
On the other hand, despite their fears, the little boys were encouraged to play on the fire pole. To top it off, the parents would offer them guidance on how to use it independently.
Caroline believes this shows us that as parents, we’re reaffirming the message that girls are fragile and more in need of help and that boys can and should master complex tasks on their own.
She explains: “It says girls should be fearful and boys should be gutsy.”
Ironic, given that girls and boys are very alike physically at younger ages, with girls being stronger until puberty and more mature.
It’s worth pausing to consider:
1. What disparate messages are you currently sending to your girls and boys?
2. What messages did your parents relay to you about being brave and courageous?
3. What do you not want to pass on to your children?
Learning Bravery Through Risky Play
The primary message that we teach our girls cannot be fear-based if we wish upon their futures the confidence and courage required to go after the lives they want.
Yes, fear has its place in keeping us safe, but our reptilian brain naturally handles that for us. So much so that adding too many “be careful, watch out!” warnings does hinder our girls’ confidence, self-belief, and desire to be bold.
Caroline states: “Bravery is learned, and like anything learned, it just needs to be practiced. So, first, we have to take a deep breath and encourage our girls to skateboard, climb trees and clamber around on that playground firepole.”
Researchers call this “risky play.”
Risky play is imperative for all kids because it teaches hazard assessment, delayed gratification, resilience, and confidence.
“In other words: When kids get outside and practice bravery, they learn valuable life lessons,” says Caroline.
You Have To Stop Saying “No”
Most cautionary statements (careful, not that, slowly does it) are all subtle forms of saying to your girl: “That’s not for someone like you.”
If you want to raise a brave girl, you need to start by changing your language. It requires presence and intention to shift, with discretion, from “don’t do that, it’s dangerous” to “let me go first to show you, then I’ll guide you through.”
The former tells her that she shouldn’t be pushing herself, she’s not good enough, and she should be afraid.
The latter reinforces that you believe in her, she can and should be brave, and trying new things is encouraged.
Live It To Give It
“We cannot give our children what we don’t have. If we want our children to have courage, compassion, and connection, we must practice these things in our daily lives.” – Brene Brown
We need to be the adults we want our children to become.
More specifically, you have to be brave first, mom.
This looks like:
Managing your fear in your own life.
We cannot teach our girls until we teach ourselves. Where do you need to be brave in your life, and how can you start taking steps towards developing your courage and confidence at home, in your work, and with your community?
Fear and exhilaration feel incredibly similar. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations and leap. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter’s sake.
You manage your fear around your child and her choices.
The next time your (well-protected) girl wants to rollerblade down a new hill but is a little scared, it’s your job to guide her to access her Bravery, not reinforce her fear.
These daily actions of encouragement and guidance are more about the powerful life skills you’re fostering and less about the rollerblading.
They become the difference between a woman who believes she can and does and one who doubts herself and stays small long after you’re around to guide her.
As Caroline says, “it’s the difference between being anti-fear or pro-bravery.”
For all women’s sake, choose the latter.