Erin Prather Stafford: Hi, everyone. This is Erin Prather-Stafford with the Girls That Create podcast on Word of Mom Radio. Like so many parents and caregivers, I was heartbroken by a new CDC study about the mental health of teenage girls and teenagers that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or questioning. Many are engulfed in a growing wave of sadness, violence, and trauma.
Because of this study, which we’ll link to in the show notes, the first episodes of this podcast will introduce guests who are as concerned as I am about girls and who want to offer guidance and hope as families navigate these difficult waters. My first guest is Dr. Michele Borba, the author of Thrivers, The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. She is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert in parenting, bullying, and character development.
I first became aware of Dr. Borba’s work during the pandemic and believe it’s an important read for parents and caregivers. Welcome to Girls That Create, Dr. Michelle Borba. We’re so glad you’re here.
Dr. Michele Borba: Oh, I am so glad to be here. Thank you so much.
Erin Prather Stafford: I know you wrote the book Thrivers, and I want to first start off with what inspired you to write this book because you were already having this idea about putting this type of information together for parents and caregivers long before we even knew all the things that are in the CDC report. I just kind of wanted to hear what your inspiration was and when you started this whole project and why it came out in such a perfect time in a sense.
Dr. Michele Borba: Oh, Erin, it’s been a 10-year project because it has always been kids who have put my radar up. I get to speak all over the world and I get to speak at a lot of different schools, but I always ask, may I also have a time to do a focus group with your students?
And I began to see a very disturbing trend, starting about 10 years ago, and then five years ago, it was in sky-high octane mode. And that was students, no matter where they were, kept telling me they were stressed.
They were anxious. They didn’t have balance in their lives anymore and they didn’t know what to do about it.
I started writing Thrivers because I began to see that what we were doing is really not priming our kids to have agency and preparing them for a real world, but trying to get them to get the GPA and the test score up in a hyper-competitive kind of a new world that’s also digitally driven.
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I studied resilience and said, oh my gosh, this stuff is teachable.
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It’ll not only raise a more productive kid, a better performer in a classroom, also a happier child.
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And the book actually came to press the month COVID hit.
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So it was just, oh my gosh, everything that we needed, COVID only amplified, I think, a pre-existing issue.
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And that is our children are stressed and we need to start rebooting our parenting and our teaching because this is a different generation of kids.
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In the book, you mentioned that idea of like, you know, it used to be we were trying to raise our kids to be well-rounded and whole, kind of give them,
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a whole set of skills that when they go out into the world, they can be successful adults.
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But then now today, that goal has kind of changed to growing a supersized kid, that there’s kind of been a shift in culture.
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And I wanted to just kind of hear your thoughts on that, because I think you kind of touched on it in the earlier answer, that the kids are feeling stress and anxiety and kind of what we’re seeing now.
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And that shift in parenting culture may have been, I wouldn’t say completely constant, but definitely contributed to it.
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Oh, I think it definitely contributed, but in all fairness, it’s because we love our kids desperately, dearly, and we want them to be successful.
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But we also got hit with a bandwagon to get on board that it was all about self-esteem, that the caveat that was really going to get them out the door and be highly successful and happy was a high GPA, a high test score, and the college of their dreams and choices.
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And what we did is, in the meantime, we kind of sedgewed against the well-rounded child.
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So playdates went, sandbox went, finding what you’re good at and what you love to do.
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Relaxing times went, hobbies went, and it all became tutors and test scores.
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And kids are telling me that that was a big reason why they’re so stressed.
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One thing is they don’t want to disappoint us.
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I think it’s interesting, just bringing up that hobbies kind of went out the door because there is, I see for adults,
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it’s almost now if you have a hobby, people are like, well, what are you going to do with it?
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Are you going to make money with it?
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And I think our kids kind of picked up on that as well a little bit.
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I just want to kind of hear any thoughts about that, because I know in the book you talk about the importance of letting kids breathe and be part of a process and understanding that takes time.
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And maybe they might try something out for a while and decide they don’t like it, but you need to be in that room to experience that.
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First of all, we do need to give them experiences, just a range of do you like it, do you not like it and it’s not just good for the kid.
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It’s good for us to watch.
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She’s there for it.
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Well, that isn’t the greatest mix for her.
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The second thing is when we look at resilience science, I don’t think it’s in most of our parenting books.
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It certainly wasn’t in any of mine.
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I began to see that science now tells us resilience is teachable.
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You’re not locked into it with DNA or GPA or your zip code, and it’s made up of certain skills.
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The fascinating thing is ordinary things can make extraordinary differences on our kids’ lives.
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If there’s one thing I think we’re all in agreement with, that today’s kids need coping skills.
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And when you look at what some of the simplest things we may be overlooking,
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Resilience Theory says hobbies can be an absolute wonderful way for a child to decompress if the hobby matches them and it’s healthy.
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I mean I’m talking to absolutely a precious kid from Dalton, 14-year-old Natalie and I said, Natalie, what are you doing?
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You look like you’re pretty well in control and you’ve got a coping mechanism.
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She says, I listen to Mozart.
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I said, Natalie, that wasn’t what I was prepared for.
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How did you figure out listening to Mozart helps you decompress?
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She said, my mom, she’s really crafty.
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All during COVID, she kept playing different kind of music over the loudspeaker system.
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And every time Mozart comes in, I’d obviously feel myself just breathe.
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So I started loading it onto my iPad and every time I started to feel stressed, I listened to Mozart.
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I love that.
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There’s a sad way to this.
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I asked her, so what do you do if you have a great day?
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She’s like, I got that covered.
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It’s Elton John.
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I’m still standing.
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And I start pulsing around the room.
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I loved it because she, like, I think too few kids has figured out what works for her and that will be her go-to, honestly, the rest of her life.
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Yeah.
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It’s not pricey.
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It’s just simple.
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I don’t care if it’s knitting or baking or reading or one kid says, it’s watching my goldfish go round and around.
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Okay.
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Find what works for the child and you should see the child be able to decompress and get his stress back.
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He can take, and she can take that off to college as well.
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What advice do you have for parents who are kind of trying to help?
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Okay.
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I’m on board, but how do I help my kiddo realize what their
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interested in, what their talent might be, you know, how do I kind of help them figure that out?
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Like kind of, and not so much tell them, but how do I help guide them to discovering it?
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Subtle is always the best parenting strategy.
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And how we do it, I’d suggest take a three by five card over the next week, a different one for each kid and tune in a little closer.
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You will see a child engaged in a strength, and that’s what real self-confidence is, and that’s really the foundation for this whole thing called resilience.
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It’s made up of seven strengths.
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You don’t have to have all seven, but one of them is knowing what you’re good at.
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Who am I?
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You’ll see the child that is
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a little bit more tenacious in that one little area.
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His attention is longer.
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She’ll be more eager.
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There’s a need for it.
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When you say, okay, let’s go baking, you see this joy in her.
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You’ll also see that she’s more focused in that area.
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It’s easier for her to learn in that area.
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And unless you tune into it, we may miss it.
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Point two is once you see it, you carve in time for it.
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The big thing that many girls are telling me is,
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I know it’s knitting but I just don’t have time for it.
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Everything is so loaded up and so it’s carving in time or the next thing is parents will say, I just don’t know what she’s good at, she really doesn’t have a hobby.
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Good, then start introducing things.
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What many families are doing is introducing like family hobbies and then seeing what resonates with the child.
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Let’s go on a walk.
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or let’s get out the knitting needles or let’s do woodworking.
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You introduce different kinds of things, a range of possibilities, see what resonates or you can do something real crafty.
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You can call up your best girlfriend who has a similar age daughter and you can pair them up together.
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Maybe the other mom knows how to do yoga and you don’t and your daughter seems interested.
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That’s a win-win because maybe you can learn with your daughter or maybe she can do it with her girlfriend.
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and maybe that’s going to help her.
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That’s great advice.
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I think one of the things for parents right now, I mean, I think this has probably been with parenting since the start of time, but you know, we’re all trying to survive our day-to-day, you know, just trying to make it through the day-to-day.
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And I think the question I have is we can sometimes kind of lose track of making sure we’re being tuned in to what’s going on with our kids.
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We’re paying attention and we love them when we’re in bed, they’re closed, they’re going to school and all those things, but it’s taking that time to kind of
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think about how we’re teaching them how to make healthy decisions and set their own boundaries.
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And I don’t think that’s, it’s in some parenting books I’ve read.
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You were saying one of them, but I don’t see that as a thread that I think is more, I feel personally is more, is very important as we have to kind of be showing our kids that so they can learn it.
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First of all, you just nailed something.
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Thrivers, that’s a kid in my book that says, I got this.
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They’re not waiting to be rescued or have somebody do it for them.
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It’s going to take a while.
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But slowly along the way, that’s our goal as a parent, is to help our kid develop the skill set so that they feel an internal sense of confidence and it’s okay, whatever comes my way, I’ve got this.
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That’s also made up of a whole bunch of different skills.
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And if you tried to teach those skills last night, your kid is going to ask you, what podcast did you listen to, mom?
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Don’t ever do that again, because you’re overwhelming the child and you.
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You now be a little more intentional.
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If you look at Thrivers, you’ll find the 21 most essential skills.
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Now you say, which is the one that maybe this month I’m going to tune into.
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Just a few minutes every day.
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You be intentional about it.
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Some moms put a Post-it on their mirror.
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Some moms make just a little graph and put it on their phone.
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So it’s a reminder.
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That’s intentional.
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Then you find ways to weave it in.
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But the best way to teach a skill is to not hire a tutor or get a workbook.
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It’s to show it.
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You show the skill like a good coach.
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He never says, here’s the football, go throw it.
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He says, watch me, I’m going to show you exactly what I expect you to do.
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The same with making a decision, the same with how to calm down, the same with be assertive.
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You show or you point it out.
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As you’re watching a movie or inside out or you’re watching Mean Girls, wow, she was really assertive.
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Did you see how her body language looked?
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And then what you do is you do it with your child.
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You kind of do it together a little bit.
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You make it fun but you do it together and then you say, now show me or you watch to see can your child do it without you and when she can, you keep walking back and never do for your daughter what your daughter can do for herself and you’re starting to raise a kid who’s a thriver.
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That’s fantastic advice.
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I love the post-it note.
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I still like post-it notes.
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I do too.
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They’re all over my desk.
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So one thing in the book, you mentioned there are three important questions that caregivers and parents should ask themselves about their kiddos when they’re kind of trying to figure out what their kid’s strengths are and what they want to become.
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And actually that’s one of the questions, but the three questions are, who do you think your child is?
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Who does your child think they are?
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And who does your child want to become?
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And I was wondering if you could just kind of expand on that and why those three questions are something worth parents taking a moment to sit down with and really focus on and just kind of take a break from all the chaos of the day and focus on those three questions.
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First of all, our job as a parent, oh gosh, this is going to sound so lofty, but it’s important, is to nurture our child’s natural nature.
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And the key to that is that each one of those questions started with the same word, who.
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Not what you want your child to be, but who your child is.
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And sometimes we overlook that.
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We get so overwhelmed in, should I be doing this and this and this?
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And what should I be assigning my daughter next?
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And what dress size is she?
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And all of those what’s.
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When in reality, take a side trip back.
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And you can’t answer all those questions at once.
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But maybe each month you ask one.
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The second thing is, you involve other people in it who love your daughter also.
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Maybe it’s the teacher who sees her in a different light.
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or the nanny or the daycare worker.
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Grandparents are a goldmine because they love desperately and they may see your child in a different way.
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By the way, kids act in different situations differently.
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You’re going to go, my gosh, when you hear this compliment about your kid and go, I can’t be the same kid.
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They act in different situations.
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The environment really matters.
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So one of the most important things that parents say they love in Thrivers is a list of 125 core assets.
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your learning styles, your strengths, your character terms, what she likes to do.
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And maybe your first step is just take a little bird’s eye moment to say, who is this wonderful child of mine?
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And once you figure that out, then you can be a little more selective in saying, so is that really the right course for her?
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Is that really the right camp for her?
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Is that really the right?
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All of those are going to come together.
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Who is your child?
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is one of the most critical questions you can ask yourself.
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The answer will guide your parenting.
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That’s fantastic.
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We are going to take a short break to say thank you to our sponsors and we will be right back on Word of Mom Radio.
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We want to tell your story because when you win, we all win.
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And we are back on Girls That Create on Word of Mom Radio with my guest, Dr. Michelle Morba.
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I wanted to go to the next topic as I read the book, empathy.
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What does empathy have to do with all this?
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Why is it important?
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Oh my gosh, let me count the ways.
18:01.488 –> 18:08.549
First of all, to get off on a sidetrack, we think of empathy as soft and fluffy, when in reality it’s actually transformational.
18:08.549 –> 18:19.691
When we look at the dismal mental health needs of us, as well of our children, we’re finding one of the highest correlationships is they haven’t had face-to-face relationships, connection.
18:19.691 –> 18:24.152
We now know that is core for mental health and well-being, that empathy is really
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kind of the social fabric that holds the civilized society together.
18:28.141 –> 18:32.324
And the best thing is our children are hardwired for empathy.
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Whether we nurture it has a lot to do with if we’re intentional about it.
18:38.148 –> 18:42.411
And it starts, by the way, with some steps that are easy.
18:42.411 –> 18:45.033
The first step is you can’t have empathy.
18:45.033 –> 18:47.054
How would she feel if that happened to her?
18:47.054 –> 18:48.555
How does dad look?
18:48.555 –> 18:50.797
Oh, how is mom doing today?
18:50.797 –> 18:52.318
Unless you have emotional literacy.
18:53.387 –> 19:02.591
So I’d say the first thing that many of our girls are saying, they’re having a tougher time with emotional literacy of reading each other, because they’ve been looking down at screens.
19:02.591 –> 19:04.232
They’ve been wearing masks.
19:04.232 –> 19:08.154
So all those wonderful lessons of how you learn, of how’s she doing?
19:08.154 –> 19:08.974
Is she okay?
19:08.974 –> 19:10.635
Should I step in and help?
19:10.635 –> 19:14.057
Oh my gosh, she feels just like me, which is what really empathy is.
19:14.057 –> 19:17.658
You’re developing a we kid and not a self-absorbed me kid.
19:17.658 –> 19:20.540
It’s just feelings a little more naturally.
19:20.540 –> 19:21.080
Point them out.
19:21.871 –> 19:25.073
And this isn’t a lesson of, okay, it’s six o’clock, let’s talk feelings.
19:25.073 –> 19:28.355
You just talk about them naturally with your daughter.
19:28.355 –> 19:32.177
Say, gosh, you can also point it out, you sound frustrated.
19:32.177 –> 19:33.457
Or are you angry?
19:33.457 –> 19:36.359
And how wonderful for your daughter to say, no, I’m not.
19:36.359 –> 19:37.600
I’m really just tired.
19:37.600 –> 19:39.801
Oh, I’m so glad we clarified that.
19:39.801 –> 19:40.761
Clarify yourself.
19:40.761 –> 19:44.443
Tween girls we now know also misinterpret us.
19:44.443 –> 19:46.644
Mom, you’re always kicked off at me.
19:46.644 –> 19:48.826
Sweetie, I’m just having a really tough day.
19:48.826 –> 19:49.346
I’m angry.
19:49.975 –> 19:52.357
but they’re just not talking like they used to.
19:52.357 –> 20:01.423
One of the coolest things a mom of a tween said she did to start the conversation going, she puts a journal under her daughter’s bed, under her pillow.
20:01.423 –> 20:04.985
And every day she writes a little bit, maybe one or two sentences.
20:04.985 –> 20:07.227
The daughter answers, puts it on her mom pillow.
20:07.227 –> 20:09.228
The mom answers, puts it on her pillow.
20:09.228 –> 20:11.830
Mom said that started the conversation going.
20:11.830 –> 20:12.351
That’s great.
20:12.351 –> 20:16.333
And keeping in time, kind of in tune with what’s happening in the day to day.
20:16.333 –> 20:16.714
Yes.
20:16.714 –> 20:17.314
So important.
20:17.873 –> 20:18.234
Yes.
20:18.234 –> 20:21.163
Some of the things, obviously, it’s on everyone’s mind.
20:21.163 –> 20:25.937
Research has come out about social media, how it’s impacting teens, tweens, kids.
20:26.312 –> 20:27.112
everyone, right?
20:27.112 –> 20:32.055
But especially, you know, I think with teens and tweens, and I wanted to just kind of hear your thoughts on that.
20:32.055 –> 20:37.377
When you’re saying that we’re spending so much time on the screen that it is limiting those cues, right?
20:37.377 –> 20:42.500
You just can’t replicate the cues that you have in person that you can on a screen.
20:42.500 –> 20:44.341
I just want to kind of hear your thoughts on that.
20:44.341 –> 20:48.783
I would love to tell you my thoughts on it, only because, again, kids are the ones that are telling me
20:49.784 –> 20:53.587
In preface to this, we are raising digital natives.
20:53.587 –> 20:58.231
Those phones, everything that they’ve got, are part of their world.
20:58.231 –> 21:06.078
That means we need to be craftier, and we need to make sure that we can maintain a face-to-face relationship with them.
21:06.078 –> 21:12.643
I can go onto schools and in focus groups with kids and ask them about cell phones, and they will tell me.
21:12.643 –> 21:13.164
They’re deadly.
21:13.743 –> 21:15.845
We can’t read each other like we used to.
21:15.845 –> 21:18.287
Many of them are also saying we’re more risk adverse.
21:18.287 –> 21:19.709
I said, what does that mean?
21:19.709 –> 21:22.271
We’re afraid to have a discussion.
21:22.271 –> 21:25.754
We’re afraid to maybe counter what our friend is saying.
21:25.754 –> 21:27.416
We don’t know how to do that.
21:27.416 –> 21:31.800
One kid said, you know, you don’t learn emotions on emojis, which is right on the mark.
21:31.800 –> 21:39.107
The second thing is it takes away our relationships with us and it makes our girls particularly hyper-competitive with one another.
21:39.558 –> 21:44.401
They’re measuring themselves based on that image as opposed to who they are.
21:44.401 –> 21:45.622
Now, how do you do that?
21:45.622 –> 21:52.106
I’d say what many parents are facing, and that is the big battle of creating unplugged times.
21:52.106 –> 21:54.388
Where and when they are, that’s up to you.
21:54.388 –> 21:55.869
You do pay for the phone.
21:55.869 –> 22:00.592
By the way, continue to pay for the phone, because once your daughter pays for the phone, you don’t get to make that rule.
22:00.592 –> 22:03.794
So I’d say have the rule, but find it.
22:03.794 –> 22:05.175
It could be the dinner hour.
22:05.175 –> 22:06.936
It could be, oh my gosh, in the carpool.
22:06.936 –> 22:08.317
They’re locked in there with you.
22:08.317 –> 22:09.138
Utilize the time.
22:09.687 –> 22:19.214
Have face-to-face conversations with your daughter or at least side-by-side conversations because I think it’s becoming a lost art.
22:19.214 –> 22:33.745
I can go on to schools and I just last week I was in Houston by the way and I was walking the walls and walls of the schools from one school to another and during passing time nobody talks.
22:33.745 –> 22:36.247
They’re looking at their phones and they’re looking down.
22:36.247 –> 22:39.389
In fact, I was walking at one Santa Ana high school and I
22:39.777 –> 22:42.179
kept always saying hello to kids, hello, hello.
22:42.179 –> 22:43.760
Nobody said hello back.
22:43.760 –> 22:48.563
And I finally pulled one kid aside and I said, why doesn’t anybody say hello here?
22:48.563 –> 22:52.826
She turned and she looked at me, she says, because it’s not cool to say hello anymore.
22:52.826 –> 22:54.287
We have to look down in our phones.
22:54.287 –> 22:56.609
I’m going, what a sad commentary that is.
22:56.609 –> 23:06.056
Then the CDC comes out with a report on how depressed and anxious our children are, particularly our girls.
23:06.056 –> 23:09.118
And it means that we as parents need to step up to the plate.
23:09.562 –> 23:17.128
and make sure that we are creating safe, healthy relationships face-to-face with them and so they have them with each other.
23:17.128 –> 23:23.234
I think that’s interesting because I know personally, I found myself, probably a lot of people listening to this have felt the same way.
23:23.234 –> 23:33.322
The phone is a crutch now because it used to be if you would go to get my tires checked, I would sit in the waiting room and maybe I would say small pleasantries to someone in the room with me.
23:33.322 –> 23:35.764
But now everyone, we all sit, we sit down, we look at our phone.
23:36.357 –> 23:41.719
Yes, and now we look, by the way, now we look at our wrists.
23:41.719 –> 23:44.739
It’s like nobody’s looking at each other.
23:44.739 –> 23:51.981
Or we have on our pods and we’re listening to a podcast or we’re talking to someone, you know, but not, I’ve noticed that more and more.
23:51.981 –> 24:01.044
It’s one thing when it’s you, but it’s another thing when you think about how, when the kids are seeing that, how that’s impacting them, the behaviors that they were like, okay, well, that’s socially acceptable then.
24:01.932 –> 24:07.197
Yeah, and here’s the thing that we do know, because researchers have been looking at this for decades.
24:07.197 –> 24:11.481
We know which environments are healthier and produce happier kids.
24:11.481 –> 24:21.371
And they’re ones where there are face-to-face connections, where there’s talk, where there’s freedom, where you feel like you have an ability to just go, hey, how you doing?
24:21.964 –> 24:26.166
One of the things we’re now seeing in our kids, there’s a spillover from a pandemic.
24:26.166 –> 24:29.647
I think the pandemic only amplified pre-existing issues.
24:29.647 –> 24:32.609
But if I was to say, what are the issues that I’m seeing?
24:32.609 –> 24:34.930
I just came back from Zimbabwe.
24:34.930 –> 24:36.750
I’m on my way to Saudi Arabia.
24:36.750 –> 24:38.671
The following month is the Philippines.
24:38.671 –> 24:41.812
I am measuring what kind of changes we’re seeing.
24:41.812 –> 24:44.594
Risk aversion is number one, and kids are saying.
24:44.594 –> 24:50.436
They’re a little bit more afraid to talk, to raise their hand, to say things that may be different.
24:51.180 –> 24:55.544
Social anxiety is up because they haven’t been practicing these skills.
24:55.544 –> 25:00.108
We’re looking at moms saying, my kindergartner is afraid to be dropped off anymore.
25:00.108 –> 25:02.390
Separation anxiety is up.
25:02.390 –> 25:06.654
One of the simplest ways to that is model, hello, hi, and how are you?
25:06.654 –> 25:10.317
Eye contact, you want an assertive daughter and I hope you do.
25:10.317 –> 25:14.601
One of the simplest ways to have an assertive daughter is tell her always look at the color of the talker’s eyes.
25:15.102 –> 25:17.183
It’s such a simple rule.
25:17.183 –> 25:28.250
But when we look at confident people who can speak up for themselves, and that’s what you want your daughter to do, you start at an early age by saying, always look at the color of the talker’s eyes or right between the bridge of their nose.
25:28.250 –> 25:32.953
What happens is they actually hold their head up and their whole body looks more confident.
25:32.953 –> 25:35.714
And that’s the first step to be taken seriously.
25:35.714 –> 25:38.896
So you can start that when they’re two and keep on going.
25:38.896 –> 25:40.377
Simple little skills.
25:40.925 –> 25:44.106
but you keep practicing them over and over again.
25:44.106 –> 25:48.748
Model them, point them out, align your child with other kids who have those skills.
25:48.748 –> 25:54.890
You can also get out something profound called shoots and ladders with bigger kids, you know, hard sets.
25:54.890 –> 26:02.153
What you’ll then be able to do is play face-to-face, but you’ll teach one of the highly correlated most popular traits, encourage.
26:02.153 –> 26:06.174
You got to encourage dad at least once, you got to stick to the rules, but say hi-fi, how you doing?
26:06.625 –> 26:11.306
kids like eye contact, they like hello, and they like to be encouraged by others.
26:11.306 –> 26:15.488
I know one of the things in the book is kind of talking about that, how to teaching kids to use their voice.
26:15.488 –> 26:20.829
And I think about girls in this specific, you kind of just touched on that some with looking at eye contact and being direct.
26:20.829 –> 26:27.771
Are there any other tips that you could share about how do I encourage the girls in my life to use their voice and feel that confidence?
26:27.771 –> 26:31.272
And, you know, I know it’s important to start young, as you said, it’s a process, you don’t just like
26:32.049 –> 26:34.230
one night walk in the room and say, here’s what you need to do.
26:34.230 –> 26:36.312
You need to like slowly do it over time.
26:36.312 –> 26:37.633
Slowly do it over time.
26:37.633 –> 26:44.917
But I think one of the best researchers ever who proved to us as parents that we do make a difference was Spencer Kagan.
26:44.917 –> 26:50.040
He started watching us when we were dealing with our little toddlers and he saw something.
26:50.040 –> 26:57.544
Moms who were always hovering, who would say, no, this is what she means and would speak for the child or say, that’s okay, sweetie pie, you don’t have to do it.
26:57.544 –> 26:58.585
You just stay with mommy.
26:59.265 –> 27:05.407
when they kept watching those girls as they grew up, age 20, they were still shy.
27:05.407 –> 27:21.871
But the mom who stepped back a little more, no, you can do it, I know you can speak up, or would point them if they really are introverted towards one child as opposed to a huge group, yeah, go on that away, and never did for their child what their child can do for themselves.
27:21.871 –> 27:25.652
The first step is you’re instilling that first trait of confidence.
27:26.393 –> 27:29.617
So rule one is never speak for your child.
27:29.617 –> 27:32.120
The second thing is give them time.
27:32.120 –> 27:35.384
This is fascinating but I love this research from Mary Bud Rowe.
27:35.384 –> 27:43.274
She said one of the biggest mistakes we do is we ask a question and then we don’t give the kid enough time to process it and then what happens is we give them the answer.
27:43.875 –> 27:49.299
where Mary Bud Rose says, if you stop, ask the question and answer, and then pause at least three seconds.
27:49.299 –> 27:52.081
The kid who wouldn’t have said anything would say at least a word.
27:52.081 –> 27:55.223
The kid who would have said a sentence is going to give you a dissertation.
27:55.223 –> 27:59.426
The other kid who’s going to give you the dissertation is going to give you miles and miles.
27:59.426 –> 28:03.329
Particularly now when stress is up, children need processing time.
28:03.329 –> 28:10.854
You can always tell your daughter, you know, maybe your teacher is asking you or calling on you, have a piece of paper in front of you and write down one word.
28:11.470 –> 28:12.470
Write down one word.
28:12.470 –> 28:16.772
That’ll give you confidence so that you can start with the one word and keep going.
28:16.772 –> 28:18.732
The other thing is voice.
28:18.732 –> 28:22.474
You would also help your child listen to mom, listen to mom.
28:22.474 –> 28:23.534
Stop it.
28:23.534 –> 28:24.514
Stop it.
28:24.514 –> 28:26.855
Which one do you think somebody is going to take seriously?
28:26.855 –> 28:29.836
Yeah, your voice needs to be firm.
28:29.836 –> 28:34.938
Don’t yell, don’t pout, but make sure you speak up and that’s going to take time.
28:34.938 –> 28:35.418
You’ve got to
28:35.972 –> 28:39.753
Think of these as assertive building skills for a girl.
28:39.753 –> 28:41.253
Oh my gosh, does she need them?
28:41.253 –> 28:46.675
But they all are learned and they’re learned best by practicing them.
28:46.675 –> 28:48.515
That’s the big thing I think we’ve done wrong.
28:48.515 –> 28:54.956
We’re seeing resilience in some kids going down because the skill sets that they used to have aren’t being exercised.
28:54.956 –> 28:58.657
It’s like riding a bike till you finally take off the training wheels.
28:58.657 –> 29:00.178
You practice voice.
29:00.178 –> 29:01.358
You practice speaking up.
29:01.800 –> 29:10.364
You practice assertiveness, you practice eye contact, you practice what’s that coping skill you’re going to use until your daughter can use it without you.
29:10.364 –> 29:15.766
Then you add the next skill and the next, and what you’re going to do is raise a daughter to have agency.
29:15.766 –> 29:17.747
And that’s what you want in today’s world.
29:17.747 –> 29:18.548
Absolutely.
29:18.548 –> 29:21.789
Which kind of goes into my next topic I wanted to touch on, which is perseverance.
29:23.332 –> 29:26.154
And that word I do see a lot in parenting.
29:26.154 –> 29:28.416
Sure you would, because that’s where we’re all pushing.
29:28.416 –> 29:30.738
Why aren’t they motivated like they used to be?
29:30.738 –> 29:32.219
And here’s some pieces to it.
29:32.219 –> 29:34.801
In all fairness, I’m going to stick up for the kids.
29:34.801 –> 29:39.405
We are going to see perseverance kind of waning a little bit for a couple of reasons.
29:39.405 –> 29:46.191
First, if you look at, I mentioned that there’s seven strains of a thriver, and it’s a rare kid that has all seven.
29:46.191 –> 29:51.035
But one of the most critical ones, besides confidence and empathy, is self-control.
29:51.873 –> 29:59.795
Self-control is the superpower that helps you have the attention, helps you have the focusing, helps you be able to calm down and stress.
29:59.795 –> 30:04.216
And now you want the kid to finish your project and keep on going and hang in there.
30:04.216 –> 30:10.657
If you don’t have that self-control piece, you’re going to have a daughter who’s going to say, why bother and quit and give up.
30:10.657 –> 30:14.818
So don’t let her, but instead go back a little bit.
30:14.818 –> 30:17.618
Start with the self-control and say, can she do it?
30:17.618 –> 30:20.139
The second thing, just some pointers that are fascinating.
30:20.738 –> 30:28.242
The point is that her fascinating is one, when she comes down at night to do all that homework, she’s stressed with all the homework.
30:28.242 –> 30:31.724
Let her have a break, but tell her to do the hardest thing first.
30:31.724 –> 30:39.107
If you wait for all for three hours on doing the homework because you’re stressing out on that hard project, you’ll never be able to relax.
30:39.107 –> 30:40.748
Get the hardest thing done first.
30:40.748 –> 30:45.731
The second thing that girls are telling me, boys too, is that, I just don’t know where to start.
30:45.731 –> 30:46.991
I got so much to do.
30:46.991 –> 30:48.292
I don’t think I can do it all.
30:48.970 –> 30:53.211
Perseverance is when you can finish it all, but let’s do it somewhere.
30:53.211 –> 30:54.332
Crunch it.
30:54.332 –> 30:59.494
And that is you take any task and you say, I know this looks overwhelming, so let’s fold the paper.
30:59.494 –> 31:00.594
Do the first row, sweetie.
31:00.594 –> 31:01.174
You got it.
31:01.174 –> 31:02.635
Now let’s do the second row.
31:02.635 –> 31:05.856
You chunk a task into small, manageable pieces.
31:05.856 –> 31:08.177
And you can start that when she’s five.
31:08.177 –> 31:09.617
Take back those post-it notes.
31:10.030 –> 31:13.253
Let’s write down what are the three or four things you need to do today.
31:13.253 –> 31:14.435
Write the things you’re going to do.
31:14.435 –> 31:15.856
Now put them in order.
31:15.856 –> 31:18.459
That actually gives that predictability.
31:18.459 –> 31:19.660
Your stress level goes down.
31:19.660 –> 31:21.622
And rip them up each time you do them.
31:21.622 –> 31:23.424
You can do the same thing when you’re older.
31:23.424 –> 31:25.786
It’s a lift and you cross off.
31:25.786 –> 31:26.687
It’s little tips.
31:27.826 –> 31:30.628
Chapter on perseverance has dozens of things.
31:30.628 –> 31:36.892
You don’t do them all, but you tune into you say, what’s the overwhelming piece that’s getting in my child’s way?
31:36.892 –> 31:39.653
The one other thing on perseverance I think is fascinating.
31:39.653 –> 31:41.154
I love Carol Dweck.
31:41.154 –> 31:42.155
I love her work.
31:42.155 –> 31:46.217
She’s just mind boggling on why do some kids succeed?
31:46.217 –> 31:53.682
And she said, one of the biggest reasons back to agency is they develop a mindset that says, I have a growth mindset.
31:53.682 –> 31:55.403
And that is whatever the task is,
31:55.992 –> 32:02.513
I know if I work on it a little bit at a time, like an Olympic athlete, they never jump in and say, I’m going to win the medal today.
32:02.513 –> 32:05.214
I’m going to get better a little, little bit at a time.
32:05.214 –> 32:07.854
And they keep improving, improving, and improving.
32:07.854 –> 32:10.735
They develop a growth mindset and they realize agency.
32:10.735 –> 32:12.035
I do it.
32:12.035 –> 32:18.576
If it’s a fixed mindset, it’s all a matter of, well, I can’t do it because you’ve got to have a certain IQ or you’ve got to have a certain zip code.
32:18.576 –> 32:22.757
Carol Dweck says, tip, praise, not the end product.
32:23.340 –> 32:25.182
Did you get 100%?
32:25.182 –> 32:27.064
How many did you get right?
32:27.064 –> 32:30.207
Instead, you praise, hey, you’re hanging in there.
32:30.207 –> 32:31.669
Yesterday, you got seven right.
32:31.669 –> 32:32.610
Today, you got eight.
32:32.610 –> 32:34.792
You are really hanging in there.
32:34.792 –> 32:35.813
You’re doing it.
32:35.813 –> 32:38.596
You’re putting in your effort, and that’s why you’re going to be successful.
32:39.684 –> 32:43.246
I love that because I think with creative, well, everyone’s creative.
32:43.246 –> 32:44.507
I want to just put that out there.
32:44.507 –> 32:54.172
Everyone is creative, but there are, you know, kids who definitely find themselves more inclined to the creative visual arts or maybe, you know, songwriting or practicing an instrument.
32:54.172 –> 33:02.057
And I think that is something that kids have struggled with a little bit because there’s this cultural feeling of like, I need to put my work out there.
33:02.547 –> 33:02.987
Yes.
33:02.987 –> 33:08.068
But you have to keep as a parent the mindset of telling them it’s a process you’re growing as an artist.
33:08.068 –> 33:11.649
I feel artists who are very in tune with themselves say, I’m always growing as an artist.
33:11.649 –> 33:13.210
My work is always evolving.
33:13.210 –> 33:19.431
And just to kind of make that connection for kids to understand that, that you will always be evolving in what your work is.
33:19.431 –> 33:21.552
I love that concept.
33:21.552 –> 33:23.092
Curiosity is number five.
33:23.653 –> 33:26.095
And it is what every thriver has got to have.
33:26.095 –> 33:27.976
You don’t have to be Albert Einstein.
33:27.976 –> 33:33.659
But when a problem comes, you’re not the kind of kid who’s going to say, raise the white flag and say, I give up.
33:33.659 –> 33:37.682
Instead, you’re going to say, I’m going to store my brain and figure out a different answer through.
33:37.682 –> 33:44.746
One of the most creative places I’ve ever been in my life, I observed each time I was writing a chapter, where’s the best place?
33:44.746 –> 33:44.967
It’s MIT.
33:46.170 –> 33:52.033
MIT in Cambridge creates, I mean, from Surrey to artificial intelligence to driverless cars.
33:52.033 –> 33:58.175
And I spent a day in that MIT media lab talking to the directors and I’d say, how do you get this?
33:58.175 –> 34:08.360
And they say, the single most important thing that most of us are doing wrong before a kid comes here is not telling kids that failure is an option.
34:09.162 –> 34:13.544
Unless you let kids make a mistake, they’re never going to be creative.
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And in this place, the first rule is you better fail because if you don’t, it means you’re not thinking outside the box.
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Now, figure out what you’re going to do differently.
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And we don’t do that enough.
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Our kids are so worried about, but I missed it.
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Now, what am I going to do?
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Am I ever going to be good enough?
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Watch your reaction to your child’s failure.
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It makes a big difference.
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Let her know it’s okay.
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But it’s always the question, so I blow it all the time too.
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So does dad, so does grandma.
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What are you going to do next time?
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What did you learn from it?
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And that is not a one-time lesson.
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That’s an ongoing lesson of everyday moments that you can say, blew it, blew it, but next time I’ll.
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And as a result, your child will be able to realize it’s okay to make a mistake in this house.
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Mom says I can.
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Next time, this is what I’ll do.
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That’s fantastic advice.
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Last topic I want to touch on because I feel it’s important, optimism.
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Because even as adults, I feel there are days you wake up and go, I do not feel optimistic about anything right now with everything going on in the world.
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But then as a parent and a caregiver, you’re like, but I have to have optimism because I need my kids to have optimism because they’re going to be here, God willing, long past my time here.
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So it’s that concept of introducing it and letting them maintain that because I feel
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that’s also probably lending to some of this anxiety and depression and that lack of optimism about what is possible in my life.
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Erin, you nailed it.
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We actually are now able to track seven-year-olds who have pessimistic attitudes, and we discovered if you keep tracking that seven-year-old, by the time she gets to age 13, depression, anxiety is huge.
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The other thing that we’ve got to keep in mind is that optimism is teachable.
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Every one of these strengths we think of, oh, it’s locked into DNA.
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No, it’s not.
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It’s teachable.
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And where do you start?
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You start with realizing that you’ve got to start weaving it in because we’re raising our kids in a very, very pessimistic world where the most doom and gloom images are just front and center every day on the TV.
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Middle school kids say the scariest thing to them is late breaking news without an adult there to define it.
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Little kids, they look at an image and they think it’s next door.
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They don’t understand the proximity and the distance from it.
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And if you continue to see doom and gloom images, what happens is George Gerber, love him as a psychologist said, you develop a mean world syndrome.
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That’s horrible for a child.
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So they see the world as a mean and scary place and they’re going to be, what’s the point?
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We’re all going to die tomorrow.
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And I’ve heard a lot of kids have that attitude.
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So what do you do?
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Well, there are some strategies you can use.
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Don’t do them all, but strategy number one, they’ve actually discovered if you can talk back to the negative, it’ll help.
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And the easiest way to do that as a family, how about coming up with a family mantra?
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I don’t care what it is.
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We’re strong.
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We got this.
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We’ll get through together.
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You can have your kids vote on what the mantra is going to be.
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They can have their own different one if she wants one, but maybe you start when you have a bad day.
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Oh, I got this.
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If you keep saying it, your voice becomes your child’s inner voice.
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That’s how powerful you are as a parent.
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Keep saying the same thing and you go, she’s not listening.
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She actually is.
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The second thing that’s really interesting is I love this research that came out of New York.
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They found that if you as a parent sit every once in a while and talk about not just your grandparents, but your great-grandparents and the kind of things that they went through.
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I don’t care if it’s the World War I or the Great Plague or whatever.
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If you talk about what your own ancestors went through, your child begins to have this connotation.
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I guess we’re a resilient family.
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Yeah, they got through it.
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We’re going to get through it too.
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And then the final thing is exposure kids to goodness.
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Exposure kids to the good stuff.
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It’s always there.
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It’s usually on the back page of the newspaper.
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I subscribed to the magazine this week.
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I love it because there’s one paragraph and it says it wasn’t all that bad.
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Every single issue and I’m going, oh, and I cut it out.
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And very often it’s about a child.
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I then cut it out, blow it up, find the actual image, and I show it to kids at assemblies.
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And they wipe away tears going, it wasn’t all that bad.
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No, it wasn’t.
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There’s a group of example, real stories, two kids in Ohio.
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They were so worried about the elderly neighbor.
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She’s 85.
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She’s all by herself.
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It’s COVID.
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She must be so lonely.
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Mom, why don’t we dress up and bring our cellos and do a cello concert on her porch?
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Bless mom, because she said, go for it.
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The kids dragged their cellos.
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They knock on the door.
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They social distance.
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They do the cello concerts.
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The neighbor cries.
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The kids cry.
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They’ve done something wonderful, and they’re appreciated.
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Now, the neighbors, every neighbor shows up in the driveway.
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They’re crying.
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Mom’s putting it on Facebook.
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And it goes viral.
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What happened, though, that I love is that kids all over the world saw it and started replicating it.
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So you saw ukulele concerts in Sacramento by kids.
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You saw harp concerts and guitar concerts in New York by kids.
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Kids looking at that going, that’s what I can do.
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And it’s the best way to reduce stress, giving back towards others.
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That’s how you raise up an optimistic kid going, you got this, sweetie pie.
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That’s wonderful.
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I was almost teary-eyed just hearing that.
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Well, Dr. Michellora, thank you so much for all your wonderful information and tips and guidance.
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And please check out her book Thrivers.
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And thank you again for being part of Girls That Create.
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We really appreciate you stopping by today.
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Oh, thank you.
39:55.272 –> 39:56.353
Best to you.
39:56.353 –> 40:00.975
To all of you tuning in, thank you for joining us on Girls That Create on Word of Mom Radio.
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We are going to close out with our theme song from the Smith Sisters and the Sunday Drivers.
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Till next time, this is Erin Prather-Stafford.
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Love your girls and nurture their nature.
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Yet she knows who she is, has integrity, woman strong and true.
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You know her by name, see this woman is you.
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She is sure, she is strong, she is true.
40:54.079 –> 40:57.162
She is brave, she is bold, she is you.
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She is sure, she is strong, she is true.
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Believes in herself Unleashed from her cage She is sure She is strong She is true She is brave She is bold She is you She is sure She is strong She is true