Why You Should Stop Speaking for Your Child
If you answer questions on your child’s behalf, you may be blocking her from building self-confidence and the ability to self-advocate. Every time a parent steps in to solve a problem or speak up in a child’s place, the child loses a chance to work it out herself — and that practice is how confidence actually gets built.
That’s the core argument of parenting researcher Michele Borba, EdD, author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. As Borba frames it, parents who “sweep in and take charge” believe they’re protecting their kids, but in rescuing them they quietly take away the power to figure things out alone.
After combing the research on resilience and interviewing more than 500 young people, Borba found that what separates kids who thrive from those who struggle isn’t grades or test scores — it’s seven teachable character strengths. And self-confidence is the foundational one: the trait the other six build from. Once kids recognize their own strengths, she argues, they grow more curious, more motivated, and better able to push through adversity.
Below are Borba’s eight methods for helping a child find her own voice.
1. Am I Speaking for My Child Too Often?
It’s easy to, and most parents do it without realizing — but speaking for your child, however well-meaning, prevents her from thinking for herself, and you may be even more likely to “rescue” her if she’s shy. “When kids are quiet, shy, or appear to be stymied, it can feel natural to jump right in and speak for them,” says Dr. Borba. “Resist this urge and soon your child will realize that you expect them to come up with their own responses, even if it takes a while.”
2. How Do I Get My Child to Speak for Herself?
Step back and wait patiently for her to answer when someone asks a question, or while she works out a solution to a problem. Give her plenty of time to warm up and allow her the space to come through with her response. Take this approach even for little things — it’s the simple everyday experiences that will add up and teach her to manage her voice.
3. How Can I Help My Child Practice Speaking Up at Home?
Home is the best place to practice. Kids need reps at finding their voice and developing opinions so they can confidently voice their views, and the Three A’s can help her build strong reasoning and ethical assertiveness:
Allow disagreement. The best place for kids to learn to speak up is at home, so hold family meetings to address anything from family concerns (allowances, chores) to world issues (poverty, bullying). Set clear rules: Everyone gets a turn and has equal airtime. Listen to each person’s full idea. No put-downs allowed. Encourage her to express opinions, and when disagreements come up, help her offer a strong “why.”
Ask questions. Use prompts to help her think about moral issues and defend her views. Such as: Who do you admire? List three of that person’s admirable qualities. Or: Describe an incident or event from which you learned a lesson the hard way.
Assert your beliefs. Kids need our permission to speak up and to recognize that we expect them to do the right thing. And we must teach kids that having integrity isn’t easy, that standing up for moral beliefs is hard, and that peer pressure is intense. Practice together until she can do so without guidance.
4. How Do I Help My Child Take Social Risks?
Give her permission to stray off course. Let her know she can be passionate about her original ideas and willing to defend them, even if it means deviating from the norm. Further, encourage her to stretch her comfort zone by taking a few low risks: “Write down your thought first, so you have the courage to share it with the class.” “Tell your teacher your thought after class.”
5. How Can My Child Prepare for a Hard Conversation?
Sooner or later, she’ll need to talk one-on-one with a coach, a teacher, or a peer — and that’s a good time to help her plan what she’d like to say and practice it ahead of time. Remind her, “Hey, you’ve got this. Let’s practice what you want to say together.” Or she can rehearse it in front of a mirror until she can do it on her own.
6. How Do I Teach My Child to Stand Up for Herself?
Emphasize that while you can’t control what another person says or does, you can control how you respond. So help your child learn to self-advocate by using the strategy CALM:
- C — Chill. There are two quick ways to appear calmer and more confident: 1. Uncross your legs and arms; 2. Make your voice sound not too soft (meek) or harsh (angry).
- A — Assert. Brainstorm a few assertive lines that your child can say in difficult situations like, “Not cool.” “Cut it out.” “I don’t want to!” Firm, short statements work best.
- L — Look strong. Kids are taken less seriously if they look vulnerable, so teach these assertive body language senders: Hold your head high and look eye to eye, pull your shoulders back, keep your arms at your sides, and keep your feet placed firmly on the ground.
- M — Mean it. Help your child practice assertive voice tone: It should be strong and firm, but not yelling or angry.
As Borba puts it, a child who is always defended never builds her own inner confidence and stays reliant on the parent.
7. What Are Everyday Ways for a Child to Practice Self-Advocacy?
Build the habit with age-appropriate reps every day. Coach younger children to raise their hand at least once a day to answer a question in class and to place their own food orders at restaurants. Older kids can call to schedule their doctor appointments or apply for summer jobs without your supervision.
8. What If My Child Struggles or Makes a Mistake?
Setbacks and mistakes are okay — explain that to her directly. If she messes up, encourage her to try again. Ultimately, these setbacks will help her take a big step forward. And remember that as a parent, watching the struggle may be very difficult for you as well. Don’t rescue her.
The Goal: Preparing Her to Live Without You
“Keep in mind that your goal is to prepare your kids to live without you someday,” says Dr. Borba. “It’s never too early to start helping them build their independence. Give them plenty of encouragement and praise. Celebrate successes, however large or small. It’s not easy for children to push themselves outside of their comfort zones, so be sure to let them know they are doing a great job. This will encourage them to keep speaking up and increase their confidence.”
“Every parent wants their child to have a sense of purpose and meaning for their own life,” she concludes. “By helping our kids speak for themselves, we are setting them up to follow their own path and live up to their real potential with confidence and joy and to thrive.”
About the Expert:
Michele Borba, EdD is an educational psychologist.
Written by Dottie DeHart Top image by Gabriela Braga on Unsplash Second image by Katerina Holmes from Pexels.